Again

As in, 'Here We Go Again'. We started the process in January. John was the motivator this time; I was more ambivilent about starting the merry-go-round again. But once we started, it was like we never stopped; the routine of shots, blood tests and exams became routine very quickly. I didn't take any pictures this time. When the meds arrived, I just put them away and went back to making dinner. The only drama the first night was when Ryan grabbed my full syringe of Lupron (which I had set on the counter and turned away from for *literally* five seconds...why are kids so FAST???) and promptly pulled out the plunger, spilling it all over the counter. Luckily Lupron comes in a multi-dose vial, and there was plenty more to use.
   The other (much bigger) 'oops' moment in the cycle came when I was talking to Katie (one of the IVF nurses) on the phone after one of my appointments. She was calling with my lab results and then mentioned that I would be ready for my egg retrieval in a few weeks. I said 'What egg retrieval? We have four frozen embryos in storage.' Katie: 'Oh.'  Long story short: when my meds were ordered (not by Katie, by the way) someone called in a 'fresh' cycle, which means that we bought a bunch of meds that we didn't even need and could not use for this cycle. They are also non-returnable. The good news: We were still on track for the frozen cycle. A quick call to Walgreens and we were back in business with the 'frozen' cycle meds.
  How did I not recognize that the meds I was taking were for a totally different cycle? I have no idea, but honestly everything starts to blend together after awhile. I felt like the biggest idiot. I'm apologizing to Katie, she's apologizing to me, and the whole thing was just utterly ridiculous. But I am a big believer in the idea that there are no coincidences or mistakes where God is concerned, so more than anything I'm curious to see what this particular glitch will lead to...I have no idea.
  Anyhoo, back to my story. I did the Estrace (estrogen) and Prometrium (progesterone) pills and suppositories and we went on with life. Ryan was not told of our plans to start the process again, but he's smart; he saw the shots and sat through numerous blood draws and ultrasounds, and he put it together. The Girler stories never really stopped, but they really increased in frequency over the last few weeks. He also talks about how he wants 'lots of giggling babies' to live at our house. When I questioned him about how many is 'lots', he said 'eleven'. The other night he said 'I really want Girler to live at our house. What is taking you so long?'
     The embryo transfer happened when I was sick with a severe sinus infection, and John had somehow injured his neck and could barely turn his head. We were pathetic. I was dizzy and had a fever; he was in pain from just breathing. Needless to say, the transfer was not a big picture op for us this time. The good news of the day was that both of the embroys that we thawed for the transfer were viable and looked good, so the other two remained frozen. The bad news: it was the most difficult transfer yet for me. It was very painful and Dr. Awadalla actually stopped midway through so I could take a break. It was the fastest transfer ever, though. Even with the break, we were in and out of the office in under forty-five minutes.
 The pregnancy test is tomorrow morning. I am very nervous and I'm afraid to even venture a guess about the results. I have felt pregnant before and been wrong, so I'm trying to just feel neutral (which is impossible.) By this time tomorrow, we will know for sure.

The End...for now

  My levels have returned to zero.
      As hard as this whole process has been, both John and I have a sense of peace about it at the moment. We have decided to take a little break from the fertility merry-go-round and just enjoy our family for awhile. We still have the four frozen embryos in storage, and we will definitely transfer them in the near future; we could never just leave them chillin' in the freezer forever. But for now, it is a relief to not think about hormone levels, shots, and office visits for a little while.
  Every day, I am amazed by the abundance of blessings that God has given me. I struggle with guilt over wanting more when we already have so much: a loving home, health, a great marriage and of course, our precious little boy. I never want to convey to Ryan (or anyone) that what we have isn't 'enough'. But this process has led to some teachable moments for Ryan and I in regards to God answering prayers. When Ryan asked why we still don't have Girler, we talked about praying for things that are important to us and telling God the desires of our hearts. We also talked about how sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes when we ask for something, the answer is no.
We are trying to show that it is ok to be disappointed and sad about something, but then you have to pick yourself up and keep going. So here we go.

Deja Vu

   I started bleeding on Friday the sixteenth. It was about five in the morning. My first thought was 'oh no, this isn't happening' but as the bleeding became heavier I knew the pregnancy did not take. The nurse said that it was too early to do a pregnancy test and I should go in on Monday as scheduled.
  The bleeding had been very heavy all weekend, and we had resigned ourselves to the fact that it would be negative. I actually forgot that we had an appointment and overslept. Luckily John was home and got us up and out the door on time. My level was eleven (should have been around one hundred). I was told it was most likely a chemical pregnancy, where an embryo started to attach to the uterine wall but for some reason was not successful. I would be retested on Wednesday.
 My level on Wednesday (today) was eight. Dr. Awadalla said that we must wait until it returns to zero before starting a frozen cycle, so I'll be retested again on Monday. Then I will be cleared to start taking the Estrace (estrogen) and progesterone pills.
      John is out of vacation days this year, however, so he wants to wait until the new year so he can be with me for the embryo transfer. I'm conflicted about waiting for a few more months vs starting right away. Part of me wants to stay in 'the zone', to keep going while we are in the baby-making mode. The other part wants to have a few months of normalcy that doesn't revolve around lab tests and menstrual cycles. Plus we discovered that we have maxed out our lifetime insurance coverage for fertility treatments. Everything from here forward is out of pocket.

Waiting

   So now we wait. I have to take Prometrium (progesterone) suppositories three times a day. They are making me very sluggish and nauseous, but it is still better than having to take the ginormous shots in the butt that I needed every night when I was pregnant with Ryan (thank God for my friend Pauline for giving those to me, every single night, while Embryo Ryan was burrowing in!)
  There were four good blastocyst embryos that were frozen for us on Thursday. I'm still very hopeful for this attempt but I'm also comforted by the fact that we have some other little guys waiting in the wings. Whereas in the past I always said that the IVF process isn't bad (and it's not, overall), this past round has been a lot harder on me both emotionally and physically. I think that I would have a very hard time starting all over again.
  Ryan continues his love affair with all things Girler. He has now started putting stuffed animals, squishies, Lego creations, etc under his shirt and proudly proclaiming 'I'm having a baby (insert species of toy here)'. He also likes to pick stuff out at the store for Girler, going so far as to throw things into the cart that she would need. At Walmart, she needed: a pack of diapers, a pack of wipes, a toddler toilet seat, and a swimsuit.
  I checked several childrens' books out at the library about pregnancy which are geared to a preschooler's level of understanding. Ryan was fascinated, especially by the idea of an umbilical cord. He doesn't quite get the concept, though; I overheard him explaining to his stuffed cat that a hamburger travels down the cord and then the baby catches it, holds it in its little hands and eats it.

Transfer Day

    Transfer Day went well. Dr. Burwinkle did the transfer today (John privately calls him 'Bullwinkle' and I'm always afraid I will slip up and do that when I see him). He first gave us the rundown on our embryos: two that were great for transfer, with eight or nine possibles to freeze. (We were pretty happy with that number, although having that many potential children does make us a bit nervous. But we have to remind ourselves that it takes a lot for an embryo to get from the blast stage to an actual baby in our arms, and after all of the embryos that we had last time, we were left with nothing.)
  We were left alone in the room for a good half hour, and there is nothing to do in there. So I took pictures. Brace yourself, they are spectacular:

Ultrasound machine, to guide the transfer catheter.

My view from the table, #1

My view from the table, #2

John pretending to knock on the window that connects to the lab.

My looking crazed.

There were other pictures. Many others. Sadly, these were the best. :-)

  I was concerned about how this transfer was going to go, since the last one was so difficult. The surgery that I had to open the cervix did its job, though, and Dr. B was able to transfer the embryos on the second try. (First try, with the flexible catheter, was unable to pass through the Cervix of Concrete, so he had to exchange it for one made of rebar, apparently; it was a little uncomfortable but much, much better than last time.)
  And then they were in, our two perfect little embryos. Thing One and Thing Two. Frick and Frack. Mickey and Minnie. (We haven't thought of a good nickname yet, and it is probably better to wait a little while before we do.) But here they are:

They are the sort of blobby, whitish things toward the middle/bottom. (Awesome way to describe your children, no? ;-) The big black thing in the middle: full bladder that I had to have to do the transfer. Fun times.

 Then we went home so I could spend the rest of the day with my feet up while my wonderful hubby and adorable boy went and did Daddy and Son stuff. 

Oh, one last picture of us:

Monday

   Monday morning was a bit stressful. We still had not received a phone call from the lab by 730am, and our appointment was scheduled for 815am (we were told to wait for the phone call to see if we needed to come in, or if we were going to transfer on Wednesday). Finally we paged Dr. A, who got a hold of the staff, who were locked outside of the building and could not get in. Oy. We're not sure what the issue was, but it all worked out ok. We were told that there was still ten good embryos and our transfer would be on Wednesday.

Embryos

     The good news from the IVF lab: Eighteen of the nineteen eggs fertilized! This was awesome news. Since there are so many, the goal is to wait until Wednesday for the embryo transfer. The longer the little guys can bake in their comfy petri dish, the better chance that they have for sticking once back in the Mother Ship (as I have started calling myself-- because let's face it, this whole process sounds like something out of science fiction!)
 If for some reason they do not do well, or there aren't as many to work with come Monday morning, then the docs will want to transfer on Monday morning to salvage as many as they can.
 Grow, kids, grow!